It's okay to cry.

There seems to be an ever-increasing trend towards ensuring your baby / child doesn't cry.  I see it all over the internet, peppered throughout worried posts on Facebook, and hear it from the mouths of attachment parents at the park.  Ever since Doctor Sears told the well-meaning parenting masses that a crying baby will go so far as experience brain damage just from the act of feeling anxious and experiencing stress, parents en mass have coddled their little ones in righteous fear of damaging their precious little selves and brains.  This is despite the fact that the science behind Dr. Sears' studies is a little more than misleading.

I'm not sure what it is about the new parenting generation as a whole which has gathered so many to the ideas of attachment parenting.  Perhaps it's that our generations (those of us currently 18-35) spent less time with our mothers and fathers, and therefore less time with our extended families as well.  Maybe because of this we (as an ambiguous whole) seek to pour ourselves into our children in order to ensure that they don't suffer the same perceived alienation that we did as children. 

The question of what is "best" for our children is what drives the "Mommy Wars" and what fuels the hateful fire between different parenting doctrines.  Some well-meaning parents can not seem to draw the line between themselves and their beliefs, and this leads to some extremely personal lashing out all across web forums and Facebook.  It's sad, really, when something which is rooted in love (the desire to do our up-most for our beloved children) twists into hateful behavior.  I know this is nothing new in the history of humankind; it just seems painfully ironic when in context with the "enlightened" approach of rearing children.  The parents don't want to damage the fragile egos of their children or push them to become someone the children are not - but these same parents will shatter a fragile new mother's self esteem without a second thought.  After all, those other people are just so wrong in what they believe.

I just worry about attachment parenting in the context of what kind of people are being sent into the world.  We already have a problem with children and teenagers who have been ignored and placated into believing they have the right to do whatever they want and say whatever they want.  The children and teenagers I see right now are often entitled, spoiled, and rude.  Now we're pushing through a generation of children who grow up believing that any obstacle will be handled for them.  These children will be a group of children who co-slept with their parents until they were ten, who were held every moment despite circumstance, who were coddled if life doesn't go their way all the time (which, it won't) and who innately believe that their happiness is to trump everyone else's.  It makes me cringe which I envision this world.

I do believe (almost) everyone has the right to their own parenting doctrine.  (The exception being those who deliberately or negligently abuse or mistreat their children.)  I believe love is a powerful thing, and children who are loved carry that power and confidence with them their whole lives.  I just disagree with the idea that it's wrong to let your baby/child cry.  Therapists often promote crying as a way to self heal and self nurture.  Learning to cry and to self soothe is part of a healthy life.  As functioning adults, we can't expect to have others soothe us every time we're upset. 

I'm not suggesting that someone let their baby or child cry unheeded for hours and hours.  I just don't see why we need to fear a child crying while they are in the presence and protection of a loving adult.  When I put my own daughter through "sleep training" at 3 months old, I wouldn't let her cry for more than 5 minutes (at first) without coming into her room and calming her down with affectionate back rubbing or cheek soothing.  Very gradually the time between my visits increased as we crossed developmental milestones - but never do I believe that my daughter thought I wouldn't come.  She did learn to sleep on her own and to calm herself down.  She learned to play or sing by herself before she fell asleep.  A lot of times I cried when she cried - but I stuck it out in order to help her have healthy sleep and boundaries.  At seven year old my daughter is a very happy, loving, affectionate little girl who is happily independent with her peers and family.  She is among the top of her class, reading well above her grade level, and she knows it's okay to cry (within limits) when she feels like it.  I don't see any brain damage with her whatsoever.

There's a difference between a positive stress response and toxic stress, as a 2005 Harvard study goes into great detail about.  The stress a loving parent puts their baby or child through when they let them cry to sleep, or say "No, you can't have that toy." is the kind of stress which does not harm your baby.  Without learning how to deal with this kind of stress, how are these children going to face the world?  How are they going to enter into school, facing the kinds new stress even preschool presents?

A final thought, which isn't mine but sums it up very nicely:

"[Stress] is not a one-size-fits-all term, and frankly, discussions like that in Psychology Today are damaging and trivializing the reality of toxic childhood stress. There’s a world of a difference between one young child who cries himself to sleep with nurturing parents hovering in the next room and one who cries night after night and is never comforted."  Anna Reismann, www.Slate.com, "Tender Young Brains" 01/18/12